Self-destruction

"I felt like destroying something beautiful."

- Fight Club

“Destruction can be beautiful to some people. Don’t ask me why. And if they can’t find anything to destroy, they destroy themselves.”

- John Knowles

For the last couple of weeks, I've felt like destroying myself, or the idea of Frida. It has had consequences in the form of worried friends, almost breaking up with my boyfriend because of self-hatred, bruises, scars, shame, tears, feeling sick and getting aches, loss of any kind of ambition or motivation, quitting my job and gym-membership, disappointment, refusal to be social, a gain of around 4 kilos, and giving up on being truly happy. I've basically lost myself and let myself go. 

I won't say everything have changed today. But I know one thing: I don't want to be miserable anymore. And, I want to be myself now. Not hide, be ashamed, hold myself back, be a stand-in in my own life. That's also why I think all this mess has been necessary. I'd gotten myself up on a piedestal,  because so many things went right here in senior year, and I was trying to live up to what everyone thought the idea of Frida should be. I was a social winner, but an inner loser. Now, I don't care if I'm a social loser in other's eyes, but sure as heck I'm going to be an inner winner.

A note on my dreams after high school: I think my motives have been wrong. I shouldn't do it to escape, or as a 'last resort'. I should do it because it would bring my happiness and adventures. It's all about perspective y'know.